the reason i always hug tightly

Hugs are weird. More generally, pretty much every public-condoned instance of one human body touching another human body is weird. It’s weird not because we desire to be physically close to and with other people (something I’m pretty sure is an innate behavior in all animals more advanced than an earthworm), but because for whatever reason our species decided to give these types of contact rules.  And rules are cool.  I like rules.  Hell, I fucking love rules. As someone who lives in a world of unrelenting questions and uneasiness, rules provide a much welcomed sense of security and comfort. And social rules? You mean rules that would govern social relationships, eliminating the uncertainty of everyday interactions? Sign me the fuck up. With these in place, interactions with family, co-workers, friends, strangers, co-workers who think you’re friends but you’re really not - they all should be pretty easy. But the problem with rules is that they only work if everyone follows them.  And since we all know how good people are at doing that, we’re pretty much back at square one.  

At this point, I suppose I should rephrase my opening sentence to read: Hugs and other types of physical contact are weird because long ago we decided there should be rules to govern these interactions, but we never bothered to make sure these rules were consistent from one place, time, or individual to another.  From the heart-on-your-sleeve emotional touchfest system every Italian I’ve ever met seems to be living in, to Japan where most servers ask you to place your debit card on tray to avoid touching your probably disgusting hands, to your grandparent’s antiquated views on public displays of affection, to that one coworker who just doesn’t get it that you aren’t on “hugging terms” yet, to the wierdo that tried to kiss you ten minutes into the first date, to your close friend who just can’t stand to be touched - the spectrum of preference for physical contact, unsurprisingly, varies widely.

So where does this leave us? Well the short explanation is SOL. The sad truth is that the complexities of human experience make it impractical (and impossible) for a set of guidelines to exist that will universally and reliably inform us of the appropriate and comfortable action for every social scenario.  Sometimes someone is going to hug you who you don’t even like sharing breathing space with. Sometimes you’re going to lean in for the kiss and they are going to turn away.  Sometimes you’ll go in for the hug while they go in for the handshake.  Sometimes you’ll go in for the hug while they go in for the handshake and you, noticing this, try to compensate by sliding your hand into their hand while also giving them a one-armed side-hug and it’s going to be terrible.  You’re going to face interaction after interaction where some sort of physical contact is expected and you’re going to have to impulsively guess the right course of action and the odds of you being wrong are significantly greater than the odds of you being right.  

For some people (a lot of people?), this just doesn’t matter.  They give a shitty handshake, an uncalled for hug, an inappropriate kiss, say “oops”, laugh, and move on the way well-adjusted adults are supposed to act.  Others seem to just have it all figured out - whether they accomplish this through confidence or straight up telepathy I’m not sure, but we all know that person who knows exactly how tightly to hug, how firmly to shake, or whether a touch is even called for in every context and with every individual.  People who match either of these descriptions will probably have little to gain from the rest of this post. But for those of you still here, still baffled, still trying to figure this clusterfuck of expectations out, there may be something here worth your time - a new way of viewing physical contact; a new philosophy of touch.  

As mentioned previously this goal of a universal language of physical contact, or a universal language of anything really, while wonderfully idealistic, is also hopelessly naive.  A goal so lofty that it seems to exist simply for our viewing pleasure, unable to come within a couple hundred meters of the terrestrial surface of reality.  And if the thought of this makes you sort of sad - good.  You should be.  Because a world where thoughts, feelings, ideas and meaning is/are perfectly and seamlessly expressed and understood is a world that has been envisioned ab initio, and who’s lack of realization had been lamented by minds big and small for centuries.  Humans are by their nature complex and confusing creatures - it would only makes sense that our mediums of communication be necessarily complex and confusing as well.  

There’s been a lot of rambling up until now.  I’d apologize for it except I’m not sorry about it at all.  Long rambles and exploratory tangents are commonplace in my thinking process and even though the make the journey long and inefficient (a philosophy I quickly abandon when it comes to road trips), it also makes it more fun and often leads to some unintended but still worthwhile realizations - like the realization of why I think rambling is important in a post about hugging. 

Anyways, the point of this rambling is twofold.  One is to emphasize that communication is tricky and that the desire for simplicity and consistency in these media is something to be expected.  The second is that, of the many ways we send and receive information, touch is particularly powerful and, because of this, particularly tricky.  Conscious of it or not, the awareness of this power is innate, and it is why be both fear and crave the ritual of touching and the sensation of being touched.